I sit here writing this post in my apartment full of moving boxes with 4.5 hours of sleep, and I feel amazing. I feel like I can take on the world. I’m probably experiencing mania after being able to move so much stuck energy.
It feels like no time at all has passed. Like it occurred in a fever dream. I can’t tell which world is real.
I have no idea how I want to structure this post, so I’ll just rapid fire some scattered thoughts I’ve had since the retreat ended 2 days ago.
Lots of this is framed in terms of Neo-Lacanian structures, so refer to my other post for that:
Reflections
I boosted my equanimity and metacognitive ability by having a semi-regular open awareness meditation for a couple years prior to the retreat. I think this helped massively to allow stuck energy to flow.
I love all the new friends who I met at the retreat. Each and every one brought something unique and valuable to the space. Some will be lifelong friends.
My intention with the retreat, as with most of my personal growth journey so far, has been to become Psychotic. And it fucking worked.
We were invited to state intentions at the start of the retreat, and “become psychotic” would have required some explaining, so my stated intention was to feel safe in vulnerability. I feel fulfilled in this too.
In my Derealized (crisis Detached) state prior to the retreat, what I really needed was to disconfirm the deeply-held nervous system hypothesis that “I am not real”. A turning point in the retreat for this was in an open circle which is where we spend 20 minutes at the start of the day with all attendees gathered in a circle and anyone may go sit in the main seat to say whatever they want. I had a series of questions prepared to poll the group like:
“How old do you think I am?” “Raise your hand for 18-22… for 23-26… for 27-30?” Then I revealed my real age of 30.
“You perceive me as very cat-like”
“You perceive me as handsome”
“You perceive me as pretty or cute” This one was unanimous.
“You feel protective towards me”
“You feel caring towards me”
“You perceive me as naive”
“You perceive me as wise”
“You like cats” (tongue-in-cheek)
“You dislike cats”
“You feel you can trust me”
“You feel you need to make yourself smaller around me”
“Upon finding out my real age, you feel some shift in your relationship with me”
“If there’s a positive quality to this shift”
“If there’s a negative quality to this shift”
“If there’s a mixed or unclear quality to this shift”
Most of these were meant to be fun filler questions for the age reveal to settle in. The most impactful part was seeing those few who raised their hands for the correct range of 27-30. That made me feel so deeply seen and I cried for a couple minutes in front of everyone. Turns out that this appearing-younger-than-I-am identity complex was soaking up a lot of energy in my system, despite having mentally declared that I accept this part of myself. There’s something about broadcasting that energy into the group that allowed it to dissipate and release tension.
Through this questioning, I also started to internalize that people really do find me cute and attractive. This is becoming more apparent, especially as I continue to expand my self/boundaries/energy body outwards. Not sure what to do with this yet. I’m excited.
This deep witnessing in emotion is the primary driver of change at Sleepawake. Your nervous system updates when an aspect of yourself that you’ve negated becomes seen and held by a group of safe people.
“Resistence is fertile”. One of the four core principles of Sleepawake. Resistence is what it feels like to orient yourself directly towards the negated aspects of yourself. Notice the thing you’re resisting and then choose to actually do/say it, and the energy will dissipate. That’s the core mechanism at play.
Important to note that you still have choice. I didn’t do or say everything I resisted. In fact, I probably avoided things I resisted more than I didn’t. Some things simply felt too shameful to admit. Doesn’t matter. There’s still a lot of material you can work with to release energy. I released enough of it to feel a breakthrough.
Halfway through the retreat, I almost felt like I had the flu. The amount of stress on my body was intense.
I wore my Oura ring, which captured the last 7 days of the 9-day retreat. The amount of stressed hours really surprised me.
Look at Wednesday:
And compare with when I actually had the flu:
Emotional work is work.
My sleep patterns have also drastically changed. In my framework, I’m Bipolar Psychotic now, so I’m experiencing mania.
Sleeping 4-5 hours a night with no reduction in energy levels. Feeling more energized, in fact. My theory is the energy sinks I used to rely upon to sustain my Detached psychic structure have now dissipated. My body is simply not used to this much energy being allowed to flow.
During the last 2 days, I started feeling very head-aware. By that I mean I became more sharply attuned to the internal head states of others: the energy and intention behind their words. It was quite strange. I couldn’t really engage deeply with others because the sensory input was overwhelming. My chest, however, felt dense. Dense and like there was a pressure in the centre, like I was about to burst open the floodgates. I felt like I needed to wail like a baby. I needed to scream.
After the end of the retreat, a few friends and I went to visit the beach near Santa Cruz. I finally let out that scream at the ocean:
It felt like a huge relief. A couple days later, I feel like my heart has begun to open up. My theory is that was anger. Preverbal, primal anger. There were no words to it; it was simply a scream that signalled “I AM HERE”. Like a baby wailing for its mother. I suspect I might have been left to cry alone as a newborn baby and it’s been stored in my chest ever since.
I had a lot of fun psychoanalyzing everyone at the retreat. I talked about the Lacanian framework to those who were interested. For one attendee, he said it was the most valuable takeaway from the retreat. I witnessed him do a phase transition from Anxious Neurotic to Dependent Pervert. Another attendee I witnessed transitioning from Avoidant Neurotic to Stress Neurotic.
The distribution of structures of attendees:
7 Detached
4 Psychotic
8 Neurotic
4 Perverse
I’m ~90% confident in my read.
“Already perfect, always evolving”. If you’re a Buddhist, this one of the four core principles is probably already something you know. It’s a useful principle because it’s true. You’re an unfolding process. The “self-improvement” frame encourages reaching for things, creating more tension / energy sinks. “Self-unfoldment” frees you to actually evolve. I think the Lacanian framework is deeply compatible with this view.
Now I find myself smiling, laughing, eyes darting around like a maniac. I’m not Detached anymore. I’ve cured my autism, or whatever. On my way to become a schizo shaman.
Sleepawake rocks.