I feel like I’m landing in reality.
But who is the “I” who is landing?
This feels like a new state of consciousness, a new Spencer. Idk what to make of him.
The Spencer who lived for 30 years so far is still around of course. But he’s getting more comfortable taking the back seat. He doesn’t have to drive anymore. His mission was to drive, to get to a place where he wasn’t needed anymore, and new Spencer could take the wheel. That’s it.
Now I’m driving, wondering where to go next.
I was recommended by
to read this article from :
It’s an interesting frame.
Turns out I’ve been invested in the “personal growth” frame thus far:
Here's the problem with personal growth frames: they encourage you to look at the evolution of your life in terms of its deviation from an aspirational idea of it. Ironically, "growth" is framed in terms of a deficiency. A gap between actual and aspirational selves.
Deficiency! I have felt deficient.
But this feeling of deficiency has been reducing over time. Good.
I think the “Neo-Lacanian” frame I’ve been working with is in fact quite compatible with the Life Spirit Distillation / intensification frame.
Like, I see the whole psychotic structure thing is about reifying/intensifying my self image, following the feeling of aliveness, etc.
I am quite attached to the Lacanian thing. Eh.
So I guess the question is: where am I finding possibilities for intensity?
Life intensification is the process of consciously becoming increasingly real (and no, I'm not talking about being more "present" so don't jump to that conclusion) by letting go more and more of your idea of what your life should be like, and embracing the possibilities of what it is actually turning out to be like.
I suppose there are a few shoulds bouncing around in my mind:
I should become whoever I need to become to be liked/loved/accepted by a romantic interest.
I should learn more philosophy, read more Lacan, leverage this knowledge so I can belong more in the tpot scene by contributing something back, helping people with my knowledge.
I should save my family (from their suffering, psychological pain, etc).
There were also a bunch of shoulds that old Spencer was holding onto like “should become a great software engineer”, “should make a bunch of money”, “should gain relationship experience”.
Okay.
“Should focus on life intensification” hah.
What does lead to progressive intensification is recognizing the growing serendipity in the environment, and rapidly increasing potential for more imaginative solutions to life challenges, with more intense and unexpected rebirths, all around. It is about living life in a way that you might run into versions of yourself you didn't know were possible.
Rapidly increasing potential for more imaginative solutions to life challenges.
Serendipity.
I know what to do. I’m doing it already. It’s why I’m here in Brooklyn now, chilling with new friends at Fractal.
Hang out, face challenges, create solutions.
Here’s a challenge I’m facing: how to express myself online. Just that: how do I want to express myself? And dealing with the consequences of putting my voice out there. Getting through the fear of being disliked. Accepting being disliked.
Okay! Exciting times ahead.
“where am I finding possibilities for intensity?” Love this frame